I live with mental illness myself and it really takes a toll on my life, my future and my family. I feel hope when I see things like this and it gives me courage to talk about my own health problems.
Now that the cat is out of the bag in terms of mental health…
When last college term was in full swing I was doing great. Had some stressful moments, but I was doing great and I passed all my classes and came out with a lot of things I didn’t have before. All A’s, a better GPA and even a mentor.
Unfortunately, I had started messing around with my medication. In order to stay awake studying and writing essays and getting up earlier I had to skip the medications that made me sleepy. And before I knew it I was skipping lots of my medication, taking some, skipping doses on others. Even forgetting I needed medication at all. Thinking I could handle it. Half dose here, full dose there. Thinking I will get back on my medication later.
Of course it all fall apart, becasue those things don’t work. Thankfully I have two good doctors and a great husband. My medication is (slowly) getting back on track but I am lucky that I am not in school right now. That the only thing I really have to do right now is get healthy.
It’s proving to be harder then I remember. Updating medication is a pain, side effects are a pain. It’s tiring. It’s reality and it’s…humbling in many ways; I can afford medication, afford the doctor’s appointments, and I can afford the time it takes for me to feel better.
I made a mistake and I really just hurt myself and my family. However 50 to 60% of people with my illness with stop taking or wont take their medication like they should. I am admitting my mistake but I need to remember I am human or the guilt will eat me up and that wont help anyone either.
When I started this blog I told myself that my mental health struggles would remain private and they would stay out of my blog. That they would not come into my blog and that my blog would remain bright and happy and mental health wouldn’t touch it. I was afraid that people wouldn’t read my blog or worse, it would get a lot of people coming here with a lot of terrible comments.
Well, it’s not possible. I have mental health problems. It’s a big part of my life. It wont dominate this blog in the least bit because I really need a life outside mental health but I also can’t ignore them either. Not fair to myself. Can’t ignore something that I have no control over. I can’t be ashamed. So I at least need to be able to mention it in passing.
I am really in the mood for summer now. I really need a break. While last term of college wasn’t very difficult, I am worn out and I really need a mental break. Problem is I am fresh out of ‘me time’ ideas. I feel since I don’t actually do anything during the day that means that I don’t need ‘me time’ becasue all the time already is. But what is actually is, is that I have no routine. No challenge, nothing to keep me in check. I just simply don’t know what to do with myself every day.
So far there are some things missing: We weren’t able to go to my home state this summer. I need my wisdom teeth out this week and we also have to pay college fees next term out of pocket so it’s just not possible. That is a big let down.
Even though college as been out for a whole month now, I am just starting to feel like I am getting used to the idea. It’s really taken me a while actually get over the shock of not getting up and rushing off for something, half asleep (but excited and happy), all the sudden I had nothing to do and I got a bit depressed. I started neglecting my intellectual soul and that really worn me down.
I am still trying to pull myself back up.
But so far in the past week or so I have done a few things that I am a bit happy about, first off my toes. Silly I know. But I am wearing sandals a lot and every-time I see them I smile.
Normally I got for reds or pinks but I walked in for my monthly treatment and got that instead. Fun right?
It really is time for summer and I really do truly need it, just simply for my mental health at this point.
I agree with this a lot. Having worn the Hijab for years and then one day realized it wasn’t for me. I felt like I was loosing everything I was. With hijab on, around other Muslims I felt like I was supposed to Arab or Indian and my own cultural forgotten. I felt LOST. I couldn’t find ME anymore.
It’s been such a long time. I apologize to those few people who follow this blog and surprising gets more followers every time I post. I really do love writing and I actually keep a very big diary. Since I write many entries in that daily and with school that keeps me very busy.
My spring term of college is almost over with just a single class period left and then mid-terms ( I admit to being nervous about that) So far I have straight A’s this term and a perfect 100 in history. 100 on my mid-term and a 100 on my essay about a famous Civil War battlefield also with a much appreciate “Very good paper” praise from my teacher. I like that teacher very much and I tend to try to impress him much to my embarrassment. I will admit to being a bit arrogant at times and I do love to express my opinion.
I also signed up for the fall term. I plan on taking a full course load. Much to my surprise. Never before have I felt smart and worthy.
My class which I am very happy about:
Two colleges becasue my primary does not offer German. I am German-American and pretty proud of it. I learned some German in high school, forgotten some and remembered the basics which I don’t think I will ever forget. It’s also been a source of embarrassment that my German is not better then it is. Going to a 2nd college is out of my way but will be very much worth it. I also have to this fall becasue the intro class is only given once a year. My primary college does not offer German. I am not even sure my college will accept it towards my degree but I really don’t care. It is THAT important to me.
The rest of my course are selected based on pure joy. I love reason, logic so will love Philosophy. As I get older I lean less and less towards religion and more towards…well, almost the opposite. That is why I re-frame from telling people my faith becasue even though I am don’t look practicing and I am obliviously pretty Caucasian people seem to assume I believe and that it very much matters to me.I do believe but probably not enough. Some things I disagree with, some things my faith outright rejects of me which for now I will keep to myself. Thankfully my husband is pretty supportive of it.
My mother told me early this week that her doctors are worried she might have cancer. I offered to be there for her if she needs me. She was very happy to hear that becasue it seemed like a major reason for her call and she was very relieved to hear it.
Well, school starts in 28 days (Yes, I am counting). My classes are picked, paid for and fit perfectly into my ‘I also have a life’ schedule. So every Tuesday and Thursday is a school day for me, from 11 to 3:20pm, with breaks.
I found a wonderful company that makes custom made Notebooks, called May Designs. I bought a custom agenda from them, that instead of a yearly 2014 calendar it is organized by weeks that you fill in yourself. They have a good 10 choices on what you want on the inside and the cover is also customized how you want it. Since I only go to school in the Spring, a yearly planner would, for the most part, be a total waste. And these custom notebooks are cloth covered, very slim and lightweight. In college you are already carrying so much stuff, so really I am very excited about my new notebook. May Designs doesn’t know it, but they really helped out this college student.
My personal training is working out great. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in the gym by myself. Instead of a chore the gym is turning into something fun and exciting and I look forward to going. I do a mix of work outs, to work out different parts of the body and it keeps my interest. I do weight training, strength exercises and yoga. My trainer is a wonderful help and I really could not do it without her. I would have given up months ago but she motivated me so much by just being so positive that I kept going back. It’s really paying off for both of us becasue I am starting to feel a hobby coming on, with so many health benefits. I even invested in new minimalist trainers and a cute yoga bag and a matching gym bag by Lululemon. When school starts I am hoping to go after school becasue I find the gym work to be rewarding, mechanical and relaxing. You get into your own zone and it’s all about ‘me time’. Currently I go 5 times per week.
I am also such a girl, that things like organization, order and general cuteness just make my day so easier. I am a person that enjoys being prepared and will sometimes start hyperventilating if things happen I can’t anticipate (Yes, I do have social anxiety problems which makes college a bigger challenge). But the gym right now is turning into a safe place and a place I can unwind.
I really enjoy Anne Frank. She was wise for her years and one of the first people to teach me compassion and understanding. She really did change my life when I first read her diary, which I read so much it started to fall apart. Thankfully my copy today was bought mostly for it’s well-made-last-me-years quality.
Do you have something in your life that makes you giggle with excitement and anticipation?
A stack of books all for me to read makes me do that. Even if (like the books in the picture below) I have read most of them.
Anne Frank also makes my book list right now. It’s one of those books, along with Harry Potter, Twilight Series and Jane Eyre that I must read every few months. “All quiet…” as well becasue the other day I was writing about it in my blog and I realized how long it’s been since I read the book that started it all.
And also to prepare for college I also have some books about college. Even though I’ve been to college before…It seemed like a good idea.
I’m a big Remarque fan…see here: where I talk about my Remarque tattoo.
“Life did not intend to make us perfect. Whoever is perfect belongs in a museum. ”