Admitting Mistakes and That You Got Cocky About Medications

Now that the cat is out of the bag in terms of mental health…

When last college term was in full swing I was doing great. Had some stressful moments, but I was doing great and I passed all my classes and came out with a lot of things I didn’t have before. All A’s, a better GPA and even a mentor.

Unfortunately, I had started messing around with my medication. In order to stay awake studying and writing essays and getting up earlier I had to skip the medications that made me sleepy. And before I knew it I was skipping lots of my medication, taking some, skipping doses on others. Even forgetting I needed medication at all. Thinking I could handle it. Half dose here, full dose there. Thinking I will get back on my medication later.


Of course it all fall apart, becasue those things don’t work. Thankfully I have two good doctors and a great husband. My medication is (slowly) getting back on track but I am lucky that I am not in school right now. That the only thing I really have to do right now is get healthy.

It’s proving to be harder then I remember. Updating medication is a pain, side effects are a pain. It’s tiring. It’s reality and it’s…humbling in many ways; I can afford medication, afford the doctor’s appointments, and I can afford the time it takes for me to feel better.

I made a mistake and I really just hurt myself and my family. However 50 to 60% of people with my illness with stop taking or wont take their medication like they should. I am admitting my mistake but I need to remember I am human or the guilt will eat me up and that wont help anyone either.




Summer time! (Really Time For Summer And Mental Health!)

When I started this blog I told myself that my mental health struggles would remain private and they would stay out of my blog. That they would not come into my blog and that my blog would remain bright and happy and mental health wouldn’t touch it. I was afraid that people wouldn’t read my blog or worse, it would get a lot of people coming here with a lot of terrible comments.

Well, it’s not possible. I have mental health problems. It’s a big part of my life. It wont dominate this blog in the least bit because I really need a life outside mental health but I also can’t ignore them either. Not fair to myself. Can’t ignore something that I have no control over. I can’t be ashamed. So I at least need to be able to mention it in passing.

I am really in the mood for summer now. I really need a break. While last term of college wasn’t very difficult, I am worn out and I really need a mental break. Problem is I am fresh out of ‘me time’ ideas. I feel since I don’t actually do anything during the day that means that I don’t need ‘me time’ becasue all the time already is. But what is actually is, is that I have no routine. No challenge, nothing to keep me in check. I just simply don’t know what to do with myself every day.

So far there are some things missing: We weren’t able to go to my home state this summer. I need my wisdom teeth out this week and we also have to pay college fees next term out of pocket so it’s just not possible. That is a big let down.

Even though college as been out for a whole month now, I am just starting to feel like I am getting used to the idea. It’s really taken me a while actually get over the shock of not getting up and rushing off for something, half asleep (but excited and happy), all the sudden I had nothing to do and I got a bit depressed. I started neglecting my intellectual soul and that really worn me down.

I am still trying to pull myself back up.

But so far in the past week or so I have done a few things that I am a bit happy about, first off my toes. Silly I know. But I am wearing sandals a lot and every-time I see them I smile.


Normally I got for reds or pinks but I walked in for my monthly treatment and got that instead. Fun right?

It really is time for summer and I really do truly need it, just simply for my mental health at this point.

It’s Been Too Long: My Passion For Writing Has To Contiune And So Does My Love Of College

It’s been such a long time. I apologize to those few people who follow this blog and surprising gets more followers every time I post. I really do love writing and I actually keep a very big diary. Since I write many entries in that daily and with school that keeps me very busy.

My spring term of college is almost over with just a single class period left and then mid-terms ( I admit to being nervous about that)  So far I have straight A’s this term and a perfect 100 in history. 100 on my mid-term and a 100 on my essay about a famous Civil War battlefield also with a much appreciate “Very good paper” praise from my teacher. I like that teacher very much and I tend to try to impress him much to my embarrassment. I will admit to being a bit arrogant at times and I do love to express my opinion.

I also signed up for the fall term. I plan on taking a full course load. Much to my surprise. Never before have I felt smart and worthy.

My class which I am very happy about:

My course selection at college number 1.

My course selection at college number 1.

I will be attending two colleges

I will be attending two colleges

Two colleges becasue my primary does not offer German. I am German-American and pretty proud of it. I learned some German in high school, forgotten some and remembered the basics which I don’t think I will ever forget. It’s also been a source of embarrassment that my German is not better then it is. Going to a 2nd college is out of my way but will be very much worth it. I also have to this fall becasue the intro class is only given once a year. My primary college does not offer German. I am not even sure my college will accept it towards my degree but I really don’t care. It is THAT important to me.

The rest of my course are selected based on pure joy. I love reason, logic so will love Philosophy. As I get older I lean less and less towards religion and more towards…well, almost the opposite. That is why I re-frame from telling people my faith becasue even though I am don’t look practicing and I am obliviously pretty Caucasian people seem to assume I believe and that it very much matters to me.I do believe but probably not enough. Some things I disagree with, some things my faith outright rejects of me which for now I will keep to myself. Thankfully my husband is pretty supportive of it.

My mother told me early this week that her doctors are worried she might have cancer. I offered to be there for her if she needs me. She was very happy to hear that becasue it seemed like a major reason for her call and she was very relieved to hear it.


Daily Life: College and Gym

Well, school starts in 28 days (Yes, I am counting). My classes are picked, paid for and fit perfectly into my ‘I also have a life’ schedule.  So every Tuesday and Thursday is a school day for me, from 11 to 3:20pm, with breaks.

I found a wonderful company that makes custom made Notebooks, called May Designs. I bought a custom agenda from them, that instead of a yearly 2014 calendar it is organized by weeks that you fill in yourself. They have a good 10 choices on what you want on the inside and the cover is also customized how you want it. Since I only go to school in the Spring, a yearly planner would, for the most part, be a total waste. And these custom notebooks are cloth covered, very slim and lightweight. In college you are already carrying so much stuff, so really I am very excited about my new notebook. May Designs doesn’t know it, but they really helped out this college student.


Cover design called “Rise Art Floral” with custom name plate.

My personal training is working out great. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in the gym by myself. Instead of a chore the gym is turning into something fun and exciting and I look forward to going. I do a mix of work outs, to work out different parts of the body and it keeps my interest. I do weight training, strength exercises and yoga. My trainer is a wonderful help and I really could not do it without her. I would have given up months ago but she motivated me so much by just being so positive that I kept going back. It’s really paying off for both of us becasue I am starting to feel a hobby coming on, with so many health benefits. I even invested in new minimalist trainers and a cute yoga bag and a matching gym bag by Lululemon. When school starts I am hoping to go after school becasue I find the gym work to be rewarding, mechanical and relaxing. You get into your own zone and it’s all about ‘me time’. Currently I go 5 times per week.

I am also such a girl, that things like organization, order and general cuteness just make my day so easier. I am a person that enjoys being prepared and will sometimes start hyperventilating if things happen I can’t anticipate (Yes, I do have social anxiety problems which makes college a bigger challenge).  But the gym right now is turning into a safe place and a place I can unwind.

Daily Prompt: Tattoo….You?  : Do you have a tattoo? If so, what’s the story behind your ink? If you don’t have a tattoo, what might you consider getting emblazoned on you skin?

Yes, I have three!

One is a very big, blunt reminder that I had been raped many times and never spoke up. It is a tattoo above my left breast that says “No silence” and has a rose vine next to it to show progress. When I finally did report it, it was years too late and he got away free while my husband and I have to live with the aftermath and damage everyday. But I report it and that took a lot of courage.

I am currently getting help for this. No worries there.

My next tattoo is a quote on my back, which many people disagree with about the meaning. Written by the German author Erich Maria Remarque, who wrote “All Quiet On The Western Front”, the quote is actually from that books sequel, “Three Comrades.”

The quote reads:

“Nothing is the mirror in which you see the world.”

Big meaning, lots of interpretations. For me Remarque’s “All Quiet…” was the first adult book I ever read. I found it in my mother old college books, faded and yellowed, it had been in her collection from books she read for college classes and with some of her notes. I picked it up during a very bad bout of depression when I was about 13 years old and I officially went from young adult to full adult books. Read it cover to cover and it really clicked with me. The lose of innocence, the despair of loosing your home, seeing things you can never forget and the endless sadness.

I knew I had to get a Remarque tattoo. That book was my first love so I had to honor the man that started the fire in me of reading so I could, for even a little while lose myself in books away from my depression and anxiety. I owe so much to books.

I now own three copies of that book, including that yellowed copy that was my mother’s.

My last tattoo is a on my ankle. Barbed wire and on the outside the German word of “Abschied” or “Farewell.” Why? I am not really sure. It is a sad tattoo, in a language that my family speaks at least a little bit. I guess German was a part of my life and I had to show it.

My tattoos. And I love them.

I’m Going Back To College!



I have decided that I am going to take some classes for Spring 2014 semester. I am excited and pretty nervous becasue I had been going to college but took a year off becasue of poor health. I am hoping I can take a few classes this semester and that my health will be okay.

And no…I have no idea what I want to”be” or what degree I want. That can wait…lets just see if I can get through this semester! I had actually written college off as one of those things that I liked, but could never finish. I had given up and was starting to move on with my life.

I do know the Spring will probably be the only time I can go to college. Fall is to unpredictable for me. So Spring is it

My plan for Spring 2014 is to take English II with the same teacher I took English I with. I really enjoyed her class and her teaching style. She also has a Pop English class, it’s a fun, once a week, only worth 1 credit class…but I thought it sounded like fun. I am also thinking of taking a History 101 class, since I love history. But I haven’t decided yet. I already regsitered for all of them so my place is reversed if I decide to go. The timings work with my schedule perfectly.

I have 13 days to decide what works for me. Lots of thinking to do.



Training And Yoga

My personal trainer of one and half months is trying to get me into yoga. At first I couldn’t understand why a huge amount of people do yoga and devote their lives to it.  Quickly realized that it is now one of my favorite activates.  I am still learning but I am planning on attending a yoga class given by my trainer tomorrow.


My personal trainer is truly a gem and a joy to be around. She helps motivate me, she listens to my concerns and she has lots of great advice. She is wonderful at her job and taking it very seriously. I rarely met such a enthusiast person.


A few ago I bought my first ever yoga magazine, called Yoga Journal.  This also help to motive me and drew me into this world I have never knew before.


So far I have learned…if you are going to do something like exercise realize that going to the gym every day is totally option.  While joining a gym is great and I am a member, I don’t confine myself to it. The would suck the fun right out of being fit and healthy.



I Like Kate Middleton

The Imperial State Crown of Great Britain

The Imperial State Crown of Great Britain

And not in the gossip columns way. I don’t normally pay attention to celebrities and I don’t read People magazine. But yesterday, I found myself looking at a ultra glossy ( general, less gossipy) magazine with her on the cover and I actually bought it. And actually read it. Much to my husband’s annoyance.


Well, I am getting older. I realized about 6 months ago that I am now in my mid-twenties. Not longer seen as a teenager or young adult who doesn’t know anything.  Even car insurances companies take you more seriously as this age. ( I am hoping becasue of my good driving record they may…I don’t know…drop the rates a bit? My husband hopes. ). You suddenly find yourself in your closet looking at your clothes and thinking it’s all too young for you. Suddenly you are grown, an adult. You peers are ‘settling down’ and you are settling down into careers with health benefits instead of ‘just a job’.

I suddenly looked around me and realized I couldn’t find a role model. Lady Gaga? Britney Spears? Beside the odd friend from school who is married most people my age are still getting drunk in bars every night. I simply don’t know anyone else close to me or that I can relate too. I don’t fit that. I am older ( maybe wiser?) and I feel that I need someone a bit more settled in life.

Kate Middleton is becoming iconic like it or not. She is a woman with a lot of potential in front of her and the energy to do it. When she talks people listen. She has the power to do things and make a difference I will probably never have.

And she has got some great dress sense too.

So I look up to her. And out of respect for her, my ethics and my own reading needs, I still wont pick up the gossip columns about her or her family but I will wish them the best.