Admitting Mistakes and That You Got Cocky About Medications

Now that the cat is out of the bag in terms of mental health…

When last college term was in full swing I was doing great. Had some stressful moments, but I was doing great and I passed all my classes and came out with a lot of things I didn’t have before. All A’s, a better GPA and even a mentor.

Unfortunately, I had started messing around with my medication. In order to stay awake studying and writing essays and getting up earlier I had to skip the medications that made me sleepy. And before I knew it I was skipping lots of my medication, taking some, skipping doses on others. Even forgetting I needed medication at all. Thinking I could handle it. Half dose here, full dose there. Thinking I will get back on my medication later.


Of course it all fall apart, becasue those things don’t work. Thankfully I have two good doctors and a great husband. My medication is (slowly) getting back on track but I am lucky that I am not in school right now. That the only thing I really have to do right now is get healthy.

It’s proving to be harder then I remember. Updating medication is a pain, side effects are a pain. It’s tiring. It’s reality and it’s…humbling in many ways; I can afford medication, afford the doctor’s appointments, and I can afford the time it takes for me to feel better.

I made a mistake and I really just hurt myself and my family. However 50 to 60% of people with my illness with stop taking or wont take their medication like they should. I am admitting my mistake but I need to remember I am human or the guilt will eat me up and that wont help anyone either.




Summer time! (Really Time For Summer And Mental Health!)

When I started this blog I told myself that my mental health struggles would remain private and they would stay out of my blog. That they would not come into my blog and that my blog would remain bright and happy and mental health wouldn’t touch it. I was afraid that people wouldn’t read my blog or worse, it would get a lot of people coming here with a lot of terrible comments.

Well, it’s not possible. I have mental health problems. It’s a big part of my life. It wont dominate this blog in the least bit because I really need a life outside mental health but I also can’t ignore them either. Not fair to myself. Can’t ignore something that I have no control over. I can’t be ashamed. So I at least need to be able to mention it in passing.

I am really in the mood for summer now. I really need a break. While last term of college wasn’t very difficult, I am worn out and I really need a mental break. Problem is I am fresh out of ‘me time’ ideas. I feel since I don’t actually do anything during the day that means that I don’t need ‘me time’ becasue all the time already is. But what is actually is, is that I have no routine. No challenge, nothing to keep me in check. I just simply don’t know what to do with myself every day.

So far there are some things missing: We weren’t able to go to my home state this summer. I need my wisdom teeth out this week and we also have to pay college fees next term out of pocket so it’s just not possible. That is a big let down.

Even though college as been out for a whole month now, I am just starting to feel like I am getting used to the idea. It’s really taken me a while actually get over the shock of not getting up and rushing off for something, half asleep (but excited and happy), all the sudden I had nothing to do and I got a bit depressed. I started neglecting my intellectual soul and that really worn me down.

I am still trying to pull myself back up.

But so far in the past week or so I have done a few things that I am a bit happy about, first off my toes. Silly I know. But I am wearing sandals a lot and every-time I see them I smile.


Normally I got for reds or pinks but I walked in for my monthly treatment and got that instead. Fun right?

It really is time for summer and I really do truly need it, just simply for my mental health at this point.

Daily Life: College and Gym

Well, school starts in 28 days (Yes, I am counting). My classes are picked, paid for and fit perfectly into my ‘I also have a life’ schedule.  So every Tuesday and Thursday is a school day for me, from 11 to 3:20pm, with breaks.

I found a wonderful company that makes custom made Notebooks, called May Designs. I bought a custom agenda from them, that instead of a yearly 2014 calendar it is organized by weeks that you fill in yourself. They have a good 10 choices on what you want on the inside and the cover is also customized how you want it. Since I only go to school in the Spring, a yearly planner would, for the most part, be a total waste. And these custom notebooks are cloth covered, very slim and lightweight. In college you are already carrying so much stuff, so really I am very excited about my new notebook. May Designs doesn’t know it, but they really helped out this college student.


Cover design called “Rise Art Floral” with custom name plate.

My personal training is working out great. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in the gym by myself. Instead of a chore the gym is turning into something fun and exciting and I look forward to going. I do a mix of work outs, to work out different parts of the body and it keeps my interest. I do weight training, strength exercises and yoga. My trainer is a wonderful help and I really could not do it without her. I would have given up months ago but she motivated me so much by just being so positive that I kept going back. It’s really paying off for both of us becasue I am starting to feel a hobby coming on, with so many health benefits. I even invested in new minimalist trainers and a cute yoga bag and a matching gym bag by Lululemon. When school starts I am hoping to go after school becasue I find the gym work to be rewarding, mechanical and relaxing. You get into your own zone and it’s all about ‘me time’. Currently I go 5 times per week.

I am also such a girl, that things like organization, order and general cuteness just make my day so easier. I am a person that enjoys being prepared and will sometimes start hyperventilating if things happen I can’t anticipate (Yes, I do have social anxiety problems which makes college a bigger challenge).  But the gym right now is turning into a safe place and a place I can unwind.

I’m Going Back To College!



I have decided that I am going to take some classes for Spring 2014 semester. I am excited and pretty nervous becasue I had been going to college but took a year off becasue of poor health. I am hoping I can take a few classes this semester and that my health will be okay.

And no…I have no idea what I want to”be” or what degree I want. That can wait…lets just see if I can get through this semester! I had actually written college off as one of those things that I liked, but could never finish. I had given up and was starting to move on with my life.

I do know the Spring will probably be the only time I can go to college. Fall is to unpredictable for me. So Spring is it

My plan for Spring 2014 is to take English II with the same teacher I took English I with. I really enjoyed her class and her teaching style. She also has a Pop English class, it’s a fun, once a week, only worth 1 credit class…but I thought it sounded like fun. I am also thinking of taking a History 101 class, since I love history. But I haven’t decided yet. I already regsitered for all of them so my place is reversed if I decide to go. The timings work with my schedule perfectly.

I have 13 days to decide what works for me. Lots of thinking to do.



North Dakota: On the Missouri River

Husband and I are visiting North Dakota at the moment. We are here for 7 days and have almost 3 days left. We have been wonderful tourist, going on a tour of historical sites and the State Capital in Bismarck (I will share later when I have more time.)

My family is from North Dakota and while I have never lived in ND I still feel like it is my very own mother ship. When I come here my spirit is rejuvenated and my soul heals. I don’t feel it is my home because the state I live in now is…to me ND is my roots.

My grandfather tooks us fishing on the Missouri River. We have caught only one fish so far but it is mostly about spending time with your family.


From the Docks


Fitness Idea: Join A Group!

I was telling someone that while I love the idea of hiking and want to go hiking tomorrow I was uncomfortable being out in the wilderness by myself. My friend suggested I try finding a group to hike with which for some reason didn’t even hit me until he said it.

A quick Google search and I found a group on the first link. The group has thousands of members, is very well organized and meets several times a week! It was more then I hoped for. I was thinking that if I found a group that it would be small and only meet once every few weeks.

Apparently I am not the only one who loves hiking. It is amazing how the power of the internet can connect you with so many people who have the same interests as you. Joining a group is a great idea for so many activities and will really keep you motivated.

I am going to meet them on Tuesday so change of plans, today I might head to the Zoo for a few hours or maybe just a park to road test new my hiking boots and Camelbak.

I think hiking can be my new very healthy hobby.

Fitness Goals: The Power And Peace Of Hiking

I plan on going out for a small hike tomorrow, the first true hiking I have done in a long time.  I have actually done a lot of hiking so I knew the first thing I needed was some hiking shoes so we went to REI. I also went to check out the Camelbak’s. Camelbak’s are expensive but dead useful. My new one, which was $85 and on sale also doubles as a backpack and has 70oz. water pack. With padded shoulder strips and a harness to hold it in place it will be comfortable and sturdy though I already know it will not be the lightest Camelbak made becasue of all the backpack space.

My new hiking gear from REI. 70oz Camelbak with space space to double as a backback and Marrell Hiking shoes.

My new hiking gear from REI. 70oz Camelbak and Marrell Hiking shoes.

I know, I know….I am starting to sound like a advertisement but I find them very important.

When I was about 12 my whole family, my little self included, each had a Camelbak, so I can totally testify how useful, wonderful and safer they are. My family went on hikes all the time and we even did over night camping once in awhile. We also had first aid, snake kits and so on.

Like all my recent goals, I am on my own. While my husband is at work I plan on taking myself to different state parks around my city. My goal is one park per week and repeating a park is okay. So the Camelbak becomes more important. And becasue I would be on my own if something happens and becasue my Camelbak would be harnessed to my body it probably wont get separated from me if I really need it.

I am even thinking of going to the Zoo. We have a membership and walking around the Zoo would take me a few hours. What good exercise for those days I can’t work up the energy for hikes. Though I might ditch the heavy hiker look and leave my Camelbak at home. But that’s a different topic for a different time…

If my husband does plan on joining me for a short hike or even a light camping trip I found the perfect thing for him at REI. Camp ready Indian food. I kid you not. And I checked out the reviews and people are saying it’s pretty good.


Cycling; I Would Love Too But…

I would love to add cycling to my list of fitness activities, but from where I sit looking into buying a nice shiny Schwinn sounds pointless.

Let me explain…I live in a apartment complex with has a good amount of road but that wont work for very long before I get bored and want to go on to a adventure. My apartment complex is on a large hill with nothing around it, but at the bottom of the hill is a nice shopping center. A starbucks, gas stations, bookstores, target and little shops my local town is good for.

But getting there is a problem. The road to get there is a 4 lane busy road with a speed limit of 50, one side doesn’t even have a sidewalk and there are no bike lanes in this road. I have seen bikes on this road before and it looks daugours. And then you run into another problem. Once you get there, as far as I can tell, there is no place to put your bike. There are no bike racks or safe place to keep your bike while you are drinking your latte and reading USA Today.

I see pictures of the UK and Europe and feel a bit envious. Bike racks seem common place. I am being to wonder if one of the reason the USA has weight problems is becasue things like biking to your local food store is not safe even if you wanted too. It would be wonderful if I could spend half an hour on my bike to get some fresh bread for dinner and get my daily outing and exercise at the same time.  I could bike to my doctor’s office, bike to get my medication, bike to get a new book and even a local bakery becasue distance wise it would be perfect but it simply doesn’t look to be the least bit safe getting there and God forbid that I have to cross the street


Bicycle Racks, West Yorkshire UK.
Credit: Wikipedia. Author: Mtaylor848

I Started On My First Goals!

Happy August everyone.

It’s been a few days since I have written. Instead of sitting around and wishing and wanting to change I actually got off my ass and did something about it. Okay, well not really…I actually sat on my ass and opened my computer to find websites and information.

So I signed up for a near by local gym. And I hired a personal trainer because I have no idea how to get myself into shape. Yes, I can buy those stupid women’s health magazines which go on about having a flat stomach and a little butt but I didn’t think that would really get me anywhere or give me the least bit support. In fact a magazine will give you no support at all becasue well…you can just throw it away if you feel it’s mocking you and your un-progress.

I really need to talk to the trainer about how to get into those things I used to be able to do. I have never been overweight before, I have never had to worry about it and now I find myself barely being able to go up the stairs so I can’t expect myself to be able to jump into a swimming pool and do 20 laps. I need to know how to start and how to reach my goals and to do it safely.

I also looked into other activities becasue as I said I know I will get bored if I just go to a gym every day. Since I used to really enjoy swimming, I found a place I can use their indoor pool when I want for $3/ visit or I can buy a pass from them for $150/year. I found a website that lists all walks and runs in my state. There are two I am interested in in the next month in my city so I looking to enter those.

I really miss horseback riding and I used to be very good at it. So I found two different places I can get lessons from so I can ride again.


There a lot of golf courses near my house and I thought…why not add that of my list of activities that I can try out?

So clearly I am not afraid of trying new things…for the most part. Add that to hiking and biking and I think I’ve got something going.

But I can also feel that I am very alone in all this. While my husband likes I am getting into fitness and having goals, it is also clear he doesn’t plan on joining me very much and well be a wet blanket. I think this is okay as I don’t mind being independent but it does leave me feeling a bit lonely. While I am busy looking up all these things and making careful notes of websites and prices he doesn’t normally pay much attention. He doesn’t know anything about swimming or horseback riding. He wouldn’t understand how a good swimming suit is important for better cutting through the water or why it’s very very important to wear the correct foot wear around horses (and no, it’s not cheap) unless you want a few toes broken on the off chance the horse steps on you.

But all in good time. I am excited about meeting the trainer in a few hours and I hope it goes well.